


What Stays and What Fades Away

by astra_inclinant



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Ahch-To, F/M, Implied Force bond, Redeemed Kylo?, Reylo Baby, Unplanned Pregnancy, explicit hand holding, my children are lonely together, tw's will be added to author's notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-27
Updated: 2016-10-11
Packaged: 2018-08-18 04:51:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8149682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astra_inclinant/pseuds/astra_inclinant
Summary: Her feelings for Kylo Ren are quiet, not acknowledged, but deeply felt. She cannot make peace with them and send them from her mind.
Or, everyone is emotionally stunted and no one has healthy coping skills.





	1. I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title is taken from "No Light" by Florence and the Machine.

The stars rearrange themselves in the viewport as Rey's ship drops out of hyperdrive, becoming the now familiar constellations that surround Ahch-To.

She had made the trip out to D'Qar as soon as she'd received word that Finn was awake and on the mend, and while she regretted leaving him after only a few days, she looked forward to continuing her training with Master Luke. He certainly wasn't what she expected the legend to be like, but though he was reserved, he was patient and kind and had stories to tell.

The sight of Ahch-To rapidly approaching is a comfort to Rey emotionally, but it seems the closer she gets to the planet, the worse the pain in her head gets.

She had felt this ache before; it lingered from her nightmares, sometimes reliving the events on Starkiller all those months before, sometimes inventing great faceless monsters that set her alight with pain and fear. Now it blooms in the back of her mind, unrelenting. Rey grits her teeth and urges the ship on.

Atmosphere is burning past the shuttle and Rey goes to plug in the coordinates to Luke's island when the pain turns blinding. She cries out and tries to think through it.

Landing in one piece is her main priority, so she begins a rough descent onto the first island the scanners pick up.

As soon as the ship touches ground, the tense grip of pain in her head relaxes. Rey lets out a shaky breath as she tries to compose herself. She disembarks and casts her eyes around the landing site.

It's a small hilly island, much smaller than the one she shares with Luke, and there is nothing around it but water for what looks like miles. Rey takes a deep breath, inhaling the fresh salty air and starts to walk along the craggy coast, eager to stretch her legs and work off the adrenaline. She makes it a few hundred yards before stopping suddenly in her tracks.

Wind billows through the tall grasses. The roar of the waves is almost overwhelming as grey water crashes against the high cliffs and the sky is covered in a bruise of dark clouds, but Rey isn't focused on the impending storm.

A figure cloaked in black sits on the edge of the cliff. Hesitantly she takes a few steps forward, unclipping her lightsaber from her belt. A soft blue glow is cast around her as she touches the ignition switch and holds the saber steady.

The figure stays seated, dark cape billowing around him, but she hears his voice over the gale as though he stood next to her. _Put that away. I'm not here for a fight._

"Why would I believe you?" She has to shout just to hear herself over the din of the ocean.

At this, the man stands and turns to face her. Kylo Ren is not the larger-than-life wraith she sees in her nightmares, but he cuts an intimidating silhouette, tall and broad and clad in black.

He removes the hood and Rey is surprised once again by the sight of his bare face. The scar that traverses his cheek and forehead gives her a jolt; she'd almost forgotten the savagery with which she'd fought him.

He walks toward her, his steps lumbering and powerful, until he is little more than an arm's length from her. Rey tenses and keeps her grip on the lightsaber firm. He raises both hands; she sees his saber still sheathed beneath his surcoat.

"See my intentions in my thoughts then, if you won't believe me." She clenches her jaw. The last thing she wants is to immerse herself in his diseased mind a second time. "Do I disgust you so much?"

He has the nerve to ask her this, as though he didn't murder his own father in front of her, as if he didn't cut down her only friend and land him in a recovery bed for months.

"Forgive me for thinking you're not the most trustworthy person I know." Her mouth curls into a sneer. "Where's the rest of your crew?"

"It's just us." As disinclined as she is to believe him, she feels no other life forms. Besides, the island is small; there is nowhere to hide. There is just her, Kylo Ren, and his small shuttle that barely looks big enough for him alone.

"Why are you here?" Her tone is hard. "I won't tell you where Luke is. You'll have to search the whole planet if you want to find him."

He fixes her with that intense stare, studying her like he had when she was his prisoner. The memory makes her bristle.

"I know where Luke Skywalker is. I can feel his presence as clearly as I can feel yours."

Rey starts forward, bringing the saber up to strike him then - she is frozen. He takes the lightsaber from her hand and thumbs the switch, placing the hilt on the ground. He unclips his own from his belt and puts it next to hers.

"I told you I'm not here to fight. Lately I have been… conflicted." His mouth pulls down as if in distaste at this admission.

Rey is released from his mental grip but stays stock still, eyes moving over him. What game could he be playing?

"Let me show you. Please." His voice is quiet, would be almost reassuring were it coming from another's mouth, but his eyes are pleading and pained, as though his very life depends on her response. It's not a comfortable feeling.

Rey can feel the authenticity of his plea radiating off him. It is a mix of pity, disgust, and curiosity that brings her to reach out her hand tentatively. He takes it in his hand and closes his eyes.

The flood of emotions makes her breath catch in her throat. The loneliness and sense of betrayal that were the undercurrents of his youth, the keen relief of acceptance through the voice in his dreams and its promises of greatness; the dizzying rush of power that his pain could bring -- but then things go too far and before he knows it he is compelled to end the man who gave him life.

There's flashes of bitterness towards her but also wonder, hope even, that there's someone who might possibly understand.

All of these feelings are dwarfed by the self-loathing and regret that seep between each atom of his being like an acid, corroding his once-firm beliefs and leaving him vulnerable to the light's siren call. It's too much.

Rey drops his hand and steps back, trying to hide the heaving of her chest. She looks at him with fresh eyes, something she's not entirely happy about, but how could she be faced with all that pain and not feel _something_ for him?

He stands before her, slightly hunched against the cold wind, hands fisted at his sides, and looks back at her with a guarded expression. She thinks he doesn't frighten her so much now.

"Why are you here?" She asks again, softer this time.

"Will you tell my uncle I'm here?" His chin quivers slightly. She looks away. "I need his help."

Though her previous experiences with him make her cautious, she nods. She had seen no malice towards Luke in his thoughts, projected or subconscious.

Steeling herself, Rey picks up her saber and slowly turns from Kylo Ren. He is facing the cliffside again, face turned up against the sea spray. She would think he looks almost peaceful if she couldn't feel the maelstrom of emotions swirling within him.

She makes the short trek back to her ship, looking back over her shoulder every so often and wondering how she will explain their meeting to Luke when she can barely explain it to herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first fanfic so any and all questions/comments/concerns are appreciated! This is unbetaed so if there are any mistakes or if things need clarifying please let me know. The story is finished and I will be posting new chapters every few days or so. 
> 
> Future chapters with any possibly triggering content will be tagged in the author's notes of that chapter, I don't think there's anything too bad but if anyone wants me to tag something just say so.
> 
> Hope you enjoy!


	2. II

A strange feeling passes over the island like the charge before a thunderstorm as Kylo Ren's ship descends from the dark sky. Wind buffets the two figures standing a cautious distance from the craft. Rey is at Luke's back, hand ready to ignite her saber despite Ren's insistence that he comes in peace.

There's a hiss as the hatch door opens. Rey feels Luke's resolve firm, sees his stance become infinitesimally more tense. He turns to her, his kind eyes filled with unfathomable feeling.

"Go, my padawan. My nephew and I have much to discuss."

Rey nods curtly and climbs the steep shale steps back to camp, hairs prickling the back of her neck as she goes. She lingers outside her hut, looking down to the cliffside where she left Luke. The two men are still visible to her. Rey doesn't want to spy, but she can't deny she's curious to see the outcome of this family reunion. She tells herself she's only watching to make sure Luke is alright.

Kylo Ren towers over his uncle, standing as tall as ever, but Rey swears he seems to collapse in on himself as he approaches. They stand and face each other for what seems like an age, a wordless conversation passing between them. She sees Luke open his arms and Kylo - she didn't think it possible for the man to fall apart -- he held it together after murdering his father, after being shot, after being left for dead - but fall apart he does.

Rey turns back to the door, pity and disgust at that pity, disgust with her voyeurism curl like sickness in her stomach. She enters the hut, sits on the dirt floor, and tries to meditate the feelings away.

 

 

* * *

 

  

A knock on the door stirs her from her mediation. It's Luke, looking worn out but with an invigorated energy that she thinks reminds her of the hero he once was.

"May I?" He gestures inside; over his shoulder Rey sees Kylo Ren carrying a modest bag to the hut on the other side of camp. She steps aside and shuts the door after Luke.

"What did he say?" She's eager to know the details of their meeting. Ren must have been convincing, if he's setting up shop now. Master Luke considers her with his piercing eyes.

"My nephew was truthful when he spoke with you. His master, Snoke, in pushing him towards the Dark side so insistently, only succeeded in making him more conflicted. Killing Han was the straw that broke the bantha's back, so to speak." He smiles bitterly.

"Snoke promised to finish his training after completing that task, but now he's targeting the Rebel headquarters. He seeks to destroy the opposition by cutting off their head. That includes my sister." His voice is quiet and pained as he contemplates the idea of losing his twin.

"For all his faults, my nephew does not wish to become an orphan before his time. He's asked me to teach him again, finish his training in the ways of the Light. After, he will return to Snoke and complete his training with him. He hopes to learn something that he can use it to defeat Snoke. A death wish, perhaps, but I won't let him down again. He will be staying with us for some time."

Rey is torn between repulsion at the idea of living a stone's throw from her enemy - former enemy? - and trusting in her master's judgement, trusting the emotions she experienced from Ren himself.

"If you think that's what's best." She won't be the one to stand in the way of defeating two nemeses at once -- if the galaxy is lucky maybe they'll destroy each other.

"I think meeting you has played some part in his decision, after witnessing the power you possess within the Light." Luke studies her carefully. "I know I have no right to ask this of you, but try not to judge him too harshly while he is vulnerable. I'm ashamed to say it was not just Snoke who helped make him the man he is."

Rey blinks; Luke has never been this open with her. While his words stoke her curiosity, she knows better than to pry. Slowly she nods. "I'll do my best."

 

 

* * *

 

 

The sun is beginning to rise in the sky, uncharacteristically clear after the stormy nebulae the day before, and casts a warm glow over the island's hillocks and cliffs. Rey paces back and forth as best she can within her small hut, then rallies herself. She can't avoid Kylo forever.

Exiting her abode, she squints against the light streaking across the sky. He's there on the far side of the camp, sat on a mossy rock and looking very out of place. Drawing a breath, she walks over, trying to keep her face neutral. He looks up at her approaching.

Rey stands before him, awkward and tense. "So you'll be staying for a while."

It's a statement, not a question. She's not jumping for joy at the prospect of spending time with him, but Kylo Ren fighting their common enemy is better than Kylo Ren fighting against them.

"Is that going to be an issue?" He bristles a bit, not used to being questioned, but remembers himself. "I'll keep out of your way."

She feels his discomfort, and though half of her wants him to wallow in it, the more sensible half of her decides to extend an olive branch - she doesn't want to walk on eggshells for the whole of his stay.

"Don't. It could be… interesting, having someone to train with." His expression is skeptical. She gives the smallest of smiles. "Besides, I think we're due for a rematch." She feels nearly pinned by the weight of his dark eyes upon her but she moves to sit on a rock across from him.

The silence isn't comfortable, exactly, but the two share it without hostility. It's the first opportunity Rey has had to really consider him without a sense of urgency and fear. She can't help but stare at the wound cleaved across his face; it is jagged but healed, puce against his fair skin.

His gaze doesn't leave her. "Admiring your handiwork?" Rey looks away.

"Just thinking it quite suits you." Her voice is nonchalant. From the corner of her eyes she thinks she sees the edge of his mouth curl upward. She wonders if he remembers how to smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who's read, commented, and left kudos! You guys are the best!!
> 
> Again, feedback is always welcome and appreciated :)


	3. III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw in end notes

Rey closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. In through the nose, hold, out through the mouth, just like Master Luke taught her. The practice is supposed to help calm and center, but even with her eyes closed she feels him lurking.

Ever since she'd offered the peace pipe, so to speak, Kylo Ren has been following her around the island like a shadow. When he's not with Luke, he's watching her -- from afar, casually, looking away every time she catches him, but watching her nonetheless.

This afternoon, Rey is practicing lightsaber forms with her staff, a frustrating enough task -- she never knew there were so many techniques and so many ways to get them _wrong_ \-- and seeing him sitting there, pretending to polish the hilt of his saber just so he can watch her is enough to set her off.

"What!" She throws down her staff and whirls round to face Kylo.

"What what?" He has the gall to look affronted, like he has any right to be annoyed with her. Rey grits her teeth.

"You're watching me! It's throwing me off." At her callout he has the decency to look slightly chagrined, but only for a second. He stands, eyes burning but face controlled.

"Your leg positioning is off. It's throwing your balance, that's why your swings are sloppy. I can show you, if you'd like."

The anger that flares up inside her wants to shout at him to get lost. In, hold, out. Anger is not the way of the Jedi, she hears Luke's sage voice in her head. She remembers his offer to teach her on Starkiller, such a bizarre proposal to make as the ground crumbled beneath them. He has the same focused look in his eyes, a little hopeful, too, now. In, hold, out. She picks up the staff and throws it to him. He catches it one handed.

"Go on then. Teach me."

 

* * *

 

"Call it a draw?"

Red and blue sabers are locked above their heads, spitting sparks and shrieking. Rey's arms are quaking with the amount of effort it takes to hold him back; Kylo is breathing hard, a sheen of sweat on his brow. Still, she doesn't yield to his request.

With one last reserve of strength (and maybe a little help from the force) she pushes him back and, using his surprise to her advantage, hooks her foot around his ankle. He falls hard and gracelessly, looking up at her with awe and frustration, perhaps even a little jealousy. She tries not to grin too widely.

She sticks out her hand; after a moment's deliberation he takes it and she hoists him up. He rights his robes and adjusts his braids -- Rey had nearly died laughing the first time she'd seen them.

"I thought we said no force this time." He sounds sulky, but Rey can feel the rush of the fight still thrilling through him. He's the same way after every spar.

"No one likes a sore loser," she responds lightly. "Better luck with the next one." The two stand for a moment as their breathing returns to normal, taking swigs of water from their canteens.

Kylo quirks an eyebrow at her and she practically hears him say, "Shall we?" Meditating after their sessions has become something of a ritual. She thinks Luke must have suggested it as a way for Kylo to come back down; he doesn't strike her as the type to sit and think for fun. Her burning legs shake as she sits cross-legged. He follows suit.

They sit like that for what feels like an age, but no matter how many deep breaths she takes, a meditative state eludes Rey. She opens an eye to peek at Kylo and sees him staring into the distance with a look on his face softer than she thought him capable of.

"What are you thinking?" Her voice is soft, afraid to break the silence. It's a potentially fraught question, but she can't help herself.

He looks at her and she wishes she didn't speak. His eyes are dark and warm and sad and grateful all at once and she doesn't know what to do.

"I think I'm happy." The way he says it, as though it's the most foreign concept he could think of, is a familiar hurt deep in her chest. He turns forward, lost in thought.

"I forgot what it was like, to be with other people like me. To not be lonely. To be surrounded by the light like this and not trying to fight it. It's easier here, with you." It could just be a trick of the light, but she thinks he's blushing. "And Luke," he adds, running a hand through his hair.

Rey looks at him, vulnerable and open in the soft evening glow and feels the belonging and companionship he feels. She thinks she might feel the same way. Before she can think better of it, she puts her hand over his and meets his eyes.

"Maybe we can be not lonely together."

 

* * *

 

The feather bed is soft against Rey's back as she looks up at the small pinpricks of light peeking through the slate roof.

The hut is the same as hers, just barely big enough for a bed and basic storage, but it feels so much smaller with another person in it. She's surprised Kylo can stand up straight.

Sitting up, she pulls the woolen blanket around her bare shoulders. She watches as Kylo shrugs on his tunic, black, of course, and doesn't like the feeling in her chest. It's too soft and warm and full to be comfortable.

"I still don't like you," she says matter-of-factly, more for her own benefit than anything else.

He looks at her through the fringe of dark hair that's falling over his forehead. She expects him to storm off in an offended huff or get her back with a 'likewise' but - he smiles, and it's a proper grin, if a little out of practice. She's amazed at how much younger -- more normal -- it makes him look.

Flustered, Rey wraps the blanket around her and brushes past him out the door. She makes it across the camp to her own hut when she realizes she forgot something important. Sighing, she debates waiting for a bit to preserve her pride, but the biting cold and the prospect of being seen by Master Luke make her reconsider.

Pushing open the creaky driftwood door, she sees him in the gloom sat on the corner of the bed, elbows on knees, hands tangled in his hair. Guilt, confusion, and self-contempt stifle the air, almost choking her as she steps in.

He looks up at her, trying to school his features into something less desperate. Rey gives an awkward half-smile.

"Forgot my clothes."

Kylo stands, making room for her to grab the clothing strewn on the floor by the bed. She takes a step toward the bed, then turns to face him. He looks away, avoiding eye contact so Rey reaches up, pulls him down until their lips meet.

It's a chaste brush of lips, but when she pulls away he's looking at her like she hung the stars. There's that feeling again, like a tender wound spreading within her ribs. "I can get them later."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for conflicted feelings after sex (definitely not dubcon, just Conflicted)
> 
> I hope this doesn't feel rushed, there's obviously a time skip between the parts of this chapter so it's not like he gets there and the next day they're bangin'. I'm feeling like a week after he arrives for the first section, then a month or two after for section two, and later that day for section three. A couple of months doesn't sound like long, but they're lonely and they have a ~connection~, so it's basically a perfect storm.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed, and please let me know what you think!


	4. IV

 

There's a hush over the island the morning he leaves.

She's been tinkering with his ship since the early hours of the day, if only to give her hands and mind something to do. A leaky exhaust port is something she can understand, something she can fix.

Through the morning mist she sees Luke and Kylo approaching side by side, both solemn but resolved. Kylo has his bag slung over his shoulder and the same intimidating regalia he wore the first time she met him, sans helmet. She stands and wipes the grease from her hands on her trousers.

Kylo stops a respectable distance in front of her. Master Luke hangs back; Rey thinks they've been discrete but she gets the feeling he knows more than he lets on.

Looking at him in the pale light of day for what may well be the last time, she doesn't know quite what to say. She says what she'd want to hear. "Take care of yourself."

Luke's presence be damned, she sticks out her hand between them. Kylo looks bemused for a second, then takes it gently in a mock-handshake. A ghost of a smile passes over his face.

His stare is intense and fervent as it moves over her, his grip on her hand tightening ever so slightly. "I'll see you again." He speaks lowly, resolutely; the words sound like a promise that she wants to believe. He pauses. "If you see my mother before this is over, don't tell her about any of this." She nods, breaking eye contact, and steps back, trying to ignore the tightness behind her eyes.

Kylo turns to his uncle. Luke claps his hands on his upper arms, holding on for a brief moment, and smiles. The two share a look and Kylo nods. Breaking away, he turns to the ship and opens the door latch with only the slightest hesitation.

Too soon, the engine is whirring to life. Rey steps back, squinting against the wind the ship kicks up and watches as it disappears into the clouds. She can already feel the dull ache building in her mind.

 

* * *

 

It's been barely a week since Kylo left, but the ache is only getting worse with each passing day. Rey finds herself suddenly lonely despite Master Luke's company, bereft in a way she hadn't felt since childhood. The island seems too big and too small at once.

Luke is watching her practice lightsaber forms. She tries to lose herself in the movement but her feet are clumsy and her aim unfocused. She remembers the feel of a different set of eyes watching her.

"Rey," Luke calls. "Tell me what's troubling you." He strides over to her, always so calm and perceptive. She sighs and drops her weapon, rolling her shoulders as if she could shrug off her poor mood.

"I'm just tired. Feeling a bit out of sorts. Nothing I won't get over." She tries for a genuine smile. Luke looks over her with those damned observant eyes again.

"Perhaps you should take a break." He strokes his beard with his flesh and blood hand.

"I'll be good to go again in a minute, let me just try to get my head on straight." Luke gives an enigmatic smile.

"I mean take a real break. Go back to D'Qar, spend time with your friends. Unwind. Then return with a clear mind. I'll be here when you're ready."

Rey's mouth opens, then closes. She doesn't want to stop training with Master Luke, but now that the idea is out there, all she wants to do is find Finn and hold him close and give BB-8 a shine and help Chewbacca tune up the Falcon.

"I think that would help." Rey is filled with energy now, motivated by the thoughts of her friends. Then she remembers Leia will be on the base. She frowns. "When Kylo left, he asked me not to say anything about his plan to Leia. I don't know if I'll be able to keep that promise."

Luke looks pained. "He doesn't expect to make it out alive. I think he'd rather not give Leia hope, only for him to fail."

 

* * *

  

Rey casts a final backward glance over the swirling blue planet that hangs outside the viewport. She already misses Master Luke and their little island.

She'll be back, though, she promised Luke and she promised herself. This little sabbatical is just to give her time to recalibrate and return to training with her head and her heart fully committed. The pull of a lever has her stomach rising in her mouth as stars begin shooting past.

The trip to D'Qar from Ahch-To is just over one standard cycle, and with the ship on autopilot there's not much for Rey to do. She heats up some rations, plays a game of cards with herself, polishes the dashboard, and thinks and thinks and thinks.

She promised not to say anything about Kylo's plan, so as far as everyone else knows he is still a monster. And perhaps he _is_ still a monster, she argues with herself, but perhaps monsters can have good in them.

No matter her own opinion on the man, she won't mention his time on Ahch-To to anyone. It's safer that way, for both of them, force forbid anyone finds out she'd literally been in bed with Republic Enemy Number One.

Still, guilt weighs heavily on her as she considers meeting the General again. When the Leia takes Rey's hand in greeting, would she feel the ghost of her son's touch? She feels tainted by him, stained, surely anyone who sees her would be able tell?

Rey's head pounds. Carrying around this secret is not something she looks forward to, but, looking on the bright side, at least she has friends to keep a secret from.

Smiling at her own ridiculous optimism, she tries to focus on happy thoughts. Leaning back in the pilot's seat, she watches lightyears pass her and daydreams of the Rebel base's cantina.


	5. V

The cantina is filled with a cacophony of noises. Chairs scraping, raucous laughter, and the murmur of conversation set the background as Poe regales the table with a story, a thrilling tale of the daring pilot's latest mission.

Finn lets out a laugh and rolls his eyes. "Really, Poe, three TIE fighters with one blast? You mind if I go check that with the rest of your squad?"

"Alright, alright, maybe I'm embellishing a _little_ bit, but you can ask Jess! That's basically how it happened." Poe laughs along, not having the decency to look even a bit embarrassed at Finn's callout.

Rey watches the pair fondly, pushing the night's Unidentified Vegetable Side around on her tray.

"You okay, Rey? You've barely touched your dinner, that's _really_ not like you." Finn turns his attention to her with a teasing grin; he's right, Rey has been known to ask anyone within a ten foot radius for their leftovers. She wrinkles her nose at him.

"I know I can't really talk, seeing as though I was living off rehydrated sand-ridden rations before I came here, but the food has been pretty awful lately."

She takes a bite of the Standard Issue Protein and makes a show of gulping it down with a sour look to prove her point. Finn makes a face and elbows her.

Rey stops abruptly, nausea roiling through her stomach. "Okay, these nerf strips must be off, how are you guys eating it?"

Finn's face immediately changes from teasing to concerned, and the back part of her mind that isn't focused on keeping her food down floods with affection. It was nice to have someone worry about her.

"Maybe you should see a medic, you could be allergic to something. That happened to a friend of mine, well, not friend exactly, but FN-2024 had a really bad reaction to kukuia nuts, word was he stopped breathing for five minutes. I don't know if it was actually five minutes, 'troopers love to talk, but still. It could be serious," He trails off and looks at her expectantly.

The sickness had passed during Finn's nervous babbling, and Rey rolls her eyes. It's nice to be worried over once in a while, but she knows her body and she can take care of herself.

"I think I'll live, Finn." He raises his eyebrows. She sighs dramatically and smiles. "Fine, if it'll make you feel better, I'll go to the medic first thing in the morning. Now, which one of you guys am I going to beat at Dejarik tonight?"

 

* * *

 

As much as she enjoys spending time with her friends, Rey's favorite part of the day is returning to her quarters at night. The constant thrum of people and energy around the base could get tiring after a life of solitude; her room is her safe, quiet space where she can unwind and explore her own mind without interruption.

Rey steps out of the 'fresher, pruned and red after having indulged herself in a rather long shower.Toweling dry, she looks at herself in the mirror above the sink. She's not vain by any means, but she can't help wondering if her cheeks look a little fuller than they did a few weeks ago. Her clothes were beginning to pull in places; perhaps she'd speak to the medic about proper portion sizes tomorrow. She can't help but smile at this thought. Never in a thousand years did Rey imagine too much food being an issue.

The sky is still streaked with light, the soft clouds turning a dusky pink-gold as the edges of night creep up. Rey throws open the only window in her room, looking out onto a field of lush grass and thick forest beyond. She breathes in the fresh damp air and settles herself into the familiar meditation pose on her bed.

Her mind slips back to Ahch-To, recalling Master Luke's instructions on productive meditation. She draws deep, even breaths and tries to empty her mind, but remembering Master Luke brings up memories of someone she'd been trying not to think of. Her feelings for Kylo Ren are quiet, not acknowledged, but deeply felt. She cannot make peace with them and send them from her mind, as Luke would advise her. Exhaustion creeps up on her troubled mind and before she knows it she is dreaming, reliving.

 

_She is comfortable and warm on the feather bed again, his skin on hers a pleasant burn like the still-hot sand after frigid night falls on Jakku._

_His breaths are steady and deep, a comforting metronome as she studies him, cataloguing each mole that dots his pale face and throat, each dark eyelash as they flutter in dreams, the faint pulse thumping in the hollow of his jaw._

_He leaves come morning; she may not have the chance again. Emboldened by this thought, she takes his large hand in hers and holds it close to her chest, resting her head on his broad shoulder; it's safe now, she thinks, while he can't see her weakness._

 

When her eyes open next, it's to an ink black sky, the chill of the night carrying through the open window. She is cold deep in her bones and there's an ache in her chest.

Rey turns in her bed to face the window and pulls the blanket tighter around herself. She watches until the sun slowly bleeds through the night and sounds of life return to the base.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Insert side eyes emoji*
> 
> So at this point Rey has been back on base for like two or three months now. She wasn't planning on such a long stay but she Loves and Misses her friends. I had fun writing their dynamic in this chapter and I hope everyone seems pretty in-character. I'd love to know what you guys think!


	6. VI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw's in end notes

Rey sits in the waiting room of the medical bay after breakfast, yet again unable to eat her meal without fighting nausea. A tall woman with short salt and pepper hair introduces herself as Dr Kalonia and invites her into a private exam room. The older woman offers a professional smile and gestures to the exam table. Rey sits.

"Good morning Rey, what brings you in today?"

Rey flashes a small smile back, feeling a bit out of place among all the medical equipment; Jakku isn't exactly famous for its health care. "I'm sure it's nothing, but I promised my friend I would get checked out. I don't think the food in the cantina is agreeing with me."

"What symptoms have you been experiencing?" The medic begins a cursory exam as Rey responds. She tries not to squirm as a medical droid draws a vial of blood.

"Lately the food's been making me feel a bit sick, like it's off. And I don't know if I'm eating too much or if I'm just not exercising as much as I used to, but I feel like I've gained quite a bit of weight." Rey feels silly, complaining about food. She can't help but feel that she's wasting the medic's time with her minor complaints. She'd suffered much worse on her own before and always managed to pull through.

Dr Kalonia taps on a data pad and looked up at Rey, raising an eyebrow. "How long has this been going on for?" Rey gives it a moment's thought; she has so much filling her days now it's hard to keep track. The med droid whistles. _Alert._ Kalonia's data pad pings.

"Since I got back to base, a few months ago? It really hasn't been that bad, my friend just thought it could be something and I didn't want him to worry…."

More tapping. "If you wouldn't mind," Kalonia motions to a scale. Rey steps on, although the numbers that appear hold no meaning for her. "Well, it's definitely good that you've gained weight, you were on the low side when you arrived on base…. Do you remember the last date of your menstrual cycle?" Rey stares. "The last time you bled."

She flushes. "Um, probably three or four months ago? I've heard it's supposed to be every month but it's never been that regular…."

Dr Kalonia puts down her chart, sits down on the stool in front of Rey, and folds her hands together. "Rey," She considers her words, "Do you have a special gentleman friend?"

"Well yeah, Finn's my best friend and there's Poe and Chewie and -"

The medic gives a kind smile. "Have you been intimate with anyone of the male sex recently?"

Heat rises in Rey's cheeks as she thinks back to Ahch-To. She doesn't know if he's a friend per se, but her nights with Kylo were nothing if not intimate. Where was this line of questioning going? Did they find out somehow? Rey looks around the room, expecting officers to march in and arrest her for high treason, but there's just Dr Kalonia, with a kind and patient look on her face, the medical droid, and lots of unfamiliar and discomfiting equipment.

She lets out a breath - "Yes, I have." The truth is out, even if the specifics aren't. A warm hand covers one of her own. Kalonia speaks in a soft but professional tone.

"This may come as quite a shock, but the blood test confirms you're pregnant. With some further tests we can determine about how far along you are, and I'll get you some information about your options…"

Rey is watching the medic's face intently, sees her mouth moving, hears noise in the background, but she can't quite make out what she's saying. Pregnant. She had of course had some vague idea about human reproduction, courtesy of the few humans at Niima Outpost, but surely what had transpired between her and Kylo Ren of all people couldn't have - A baby? She could count on one hand the number of human infants she'd seen in her life.

"Are you alright, Rey?" Dr Kalonia's voice jars her back out of her mind. She blinks up at the older woman, now standing at her side with several pamphlets and a bottle of pills in hand.

"Yes," She offers a smile, after all isn't she so lucky to be here, among friends - no, family, to have rubbed shoulders with the legends she'd only dreamed about, to have more food than she could ever want, to be off that dead hopeless planet. She would worry over this… situation later. "I'm fine."

 

* * *

 

Two weeks had passed since Rey's meeting with Dr Kalonia, and she had more or less successfully put off thinking about her diagnosis since. If Jakku had equipped her with any skills, compartmentalization was definitely one of them. The only consideration she had given her condition was a request for a size up in clothing; luckily the looser shirt and a jacket obscured the small swell of her stomach. The pamphlets Kalonia gave her are tucked safely away under her mattress.

Life went on at the base, and so Rey finds herself called to another meeting to discuss recent advances of First Order holdings on Inner Rim planets. She sits and listens intently to the military heads discuss strategy. She won't admit it even to herself, but part of her hopes for news about Kylo. She can feel him even now in the back of her thoughts, his presence in her mind a constant ache like a bad bruise. Wexley pulls up a holo of some planet; Rey stares through it to General Organa, who is watching Snap's tactical plan with a familiarly intense gaze.

The meeting continues for another quarter hour, then everyone filters out with a renewed sense of empowerment. Rey stays seated. The General is the only other life form left in the room; she always seems to be the first in and last out. She turns to Rey with a raised eyebrow.

"It's good to see that you're so engaged in these meetings, Rey, but I wouldn't think less of you if you went to lunch with everyone else."

Rey takes a breath and steels her resolve. She stands, fingers barely brushing her stomach as she adjusts her jacket. "General - Leia," she corrects herself as the older woman opens her mouth to protest, "Can I ask you about something personal?"

"Depends what it is." Her words almost make Rey second guess, but her tone is good-natured and warm. She has to swallow hard before she can get the words out.

"What was Kylo - your son like, before?" Silence. The General's face is carefully blank as she leans back against a desk. "You don't have to - I don't mean to upset you." Leia shakes her head, a sad smile on her face.

"It's been a long time since I've spoken about my son. You know more about who he is now than I do. But," she sighs, "before he was Kylo Ren, he was my boy. My Ben. When he was young and I came home from Senate meetings, he would run up to me and hold me so tight. He could be observant and sensitive, but like any kid he would come home covered in dirt with a big smile on his face." Rey can picture him, a little boy with big ears and messy hair and missing teeth. She's never seen Leia look so old and tired.

"Is it worth it? Having a child?" It seemed Leia's son had caused her nothing but heartache; not for the first time Rey wondered if her own parents abandoned her because they just didn't want her anymore.

Leia gives a mirthless chuckle. "Well, none of the parenting books tell you what to do if your kid turns into a homicidal warlord," her face softens, "but even now, my memories of Ben are what keep me going. A child is a part of you, and that kind of love never goes away." The faraway look in the General's eyes sharpens back into the keen stare Rey is familiar with. "Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the opportunity for catharsis, but where are these questions coming from?"

A thousand lies jump to the tip of her tongue, but Rey finds them faltering under the General's suspicious look. If she had any family out there, she'd want to know, so it only seems fair to give Leia the same consideration.

"I'm pregnant." It's the first time she has admitted it to herself, and though it's a relief in a way, she worries how the older woman will take the rest of the truth.

Ever the tactful politician, Leia keeps her face pleasantly neutral. "I'd say congratulations but something tells me you're not exactly thrilled." Rey doesn't meet her eyes. She'd already started ripping off the bacta patch, she might as well get the rest over with quickly.

"The situation is… complicated, and I can't really get into details right now." She chews the inside of her cheek. "Your son is the father."

The General's shoulders sag as if the air had been knocked out of her. To her credit, she recovers fairly quickly, eyebrows raised and hands on her hips. "And here I'd given up all hope of becoming a grandmother…." She takes Rey's hand. "Whatever you choose to do, it's a decision only you can make, but no matter what you have my support one hundred percent."

Rey smiles weakly, feeling tears prick at her eyes. Leia draws her in for a hug. _Is this what a mother's love feels like_? When she pulls back, Rey sees tears shining in her eyes, but also a renewed energy. "Go, you should rest. We can speak more later, if you'd like."

"Thank you, Gen - Leia. For everything."

That night, Rey pulls the pamphlets out from under her bed.

 

* * *

 

The click of a door opening and closing stirs Rey from her counting. The baby still has ten fingers and ten toes, just like five minutes before. Leia steps quietly over to her bedside, an almost shy smile on her face. Rey offers a tired smile back. "It's a boy."

Leia's face is tender as she peers inside the podlike bassinet, inspecting the tiny dark haired infant as he sleeps. There's a little frown on his face, as though he knows he's being talked about. "He looks just like his father." She sounds wonderstruck and wistful all at once, then her lips lift in a small smile, as if at a private joke. "Let's hope he inherited your ears."

Rey doesn't say anything; she thinks he'll be perfect no matter what. One hand is fiddling with the edge of the med bay-issued blanket and the other hangs over the bassinet.

"How are you feeling?" Leia studies her with maternal concern.

She stares at the baby in the bassinet, her fingers stroking a tiny grasping fist. She considers lying, but she's too worn out, exhausted physically and mentally. "How could they give me up? If they ever felt the way I feel now, how could they just leave me?" A hard knot forms in her throat as she gives voice to her most private thoughts and before she can help it tears blur the edges of her vision. She feels a hand on her knee, but the dam is already broken. "I don't know how to feel like this, I don't know what I'm doing, and Kylo might never come back and --" There's a wet gasp and tears fall in earnest.

The bed shifts and Rey is gathered into Leia's arms. She feels a hand stroking her hair and she tries to compose herself, taking deep breaths until she no longer feels quite so lightheaded. Leia draws back slightly and looks into her eyes.

"You have a family now. Me, Luke, your friends, this child. You're going to be just fine. You've done so well so far. Relax, let yourself feel, but try not to drown in the feelings. We'll all be here to help you." Leia's words make her want to cry even harder. Instead, Rey lifts her chin and nods.

The two women sit on the bed together for a time, watching each rise and fall of the baby's chest. "Have you given names any thought?"

Rey gives a soft smile as she looks at her son. "I like Ben."

Leia's eyebrows raise ever so slightly, appraising the infant. Her eyes are tender, her mouth soft; Rey imagines this is how she looked all those years ago, studying a different Ben's face.

"I think that's a good name for him."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for medical scenarios (mentions of blood drawing, weighing, pregnancy, etc), Rey's abandonment issues
> 
> Enter the Ben Solo tag ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
> 
> Can you guys tell I wish Leia was my mom? I hope Rey doesn't sound too naive in the first section, but I have literally 0 faith in Jakku's sex ed department.


	7. VII

"Luke."

The man in question turns at the sound his sister's voice, watching as her face pixelates above the holotransmitter on his shelf. It's the first time he's seen her in too long, and while he's thankful that Rey brought a transmitter back with her, it hurts all the same seeing the years he's missed written on his twin's face. "Leia." He doesn't know what to say; his solitude seems to have robbed him of the right words.

The shimmering image of Leia's face gives a tight smile. She seems distant, distracted. "We can do the whole emotional reunion later.I have important news. Is Rey around?"

Luke thinks he has an inkling of what this call is about, but he dares not presume. "I'll get her."

Rey is pacing a small circle in the dirt floor of her hut when he knocks on the door, bouncing Ben gently as he whimpers, eyes fighting to stay open. She gives Luke an exasperated look. "He's exhausted but he won't go to sleep." Then she sees the solemn look on his face. "What's wrong?"

"My sister is on holo. She says she has news." Luke tries his best to keep his worries, his hopes off his face. Rey's eyebrows raise, her grip on the baby in her arms becomes that much tighter. Ben gives an unhappy cry at the sudden tension in the air. She squares her jaw and follows Luke to his hut.

The holo casts a glow around Luke's hut. In any other circumstances seeing Leia would bring Rey comfort, but the late night urgency has her hairs standing on end. Leia's eyes soften at the sight of Ben in Rey's arms. "I hope I didn't wake you."

"Luke says you have news." Rey wants to get this over with. Leia immediately sharpens back into general mode.

"We received intelligence that Snoke is dead." Rey holds her breath. Next to her, Luke clenches his mechanical fist. The holo is a little fizzy, but she can see Leia furrow her brow. "Apparently Kylo Ren is the one who killed him."

Rey breathes, then smooths Ben's hair where her sigh ruffled it.

"We're sending out a fleet as we speak to take advantage of the First Order's chaos, but I thought you two might like to know." She fixes them both with a penetrating stare and Rey feels guilty all over again for not saying anything sooner.

A voice calls out in the background. "I have to go now, but we'll speak more about this later." Before they can defend themselves, the call cuts out.

Rey turns to Luke. A slow smile breaks across his face and before she knows it she's grinning too. She wraps her free arm around him and holds him tight.

Later, back in her stone hut, Ben's quiet breathing keeps time as she stares up and counts the stone tiles.

 

* * *

 

The air is crisp and cool, a satisfying burn in her lungs as she jogs laps around the island. Luke is watching Ben to give her time to train, so she takes the opportunity to warm up before practicing forms. Her legs are burning, but it's getting better; when she returned last month she could barely make it two laps. Since Leia's call a few days ago, she's thrown herself back into her training, if only to keep her mind busy. She won't let herself go back to waiting for someone to return to her.

A canteen of water and the hilt of the blue lightsaber are leaned up against the rock where she left them. She slows to a walk and catches her breath, then picks up the hilt and ignites the saber. The soft blue glow is calming, centering, hypnotizing as the blade swings around her. Her mind is focused and her muscles remember her training. She feels powerful, at one with the force in a way that she hasn't since Starkiller. She lunges and stabs the blade fiercely at an imagined enemy then --

"Your forms have improved."

She whirls around and he's there, clad in black robes as always, looking like a silhouette against the grey-white sky. She blinks, half expecting him to disappear, but he's really there in front of her, his imposing dark ship perched on the cliff behind him.

Suddenly aware of him, she wonders how she didn't feel him before. His presence is like a suffocating blanket, darker and heavier than before. She curses Snoke and whatever ring of hell has welcomed him. 

Beneath the darkness though, there's a pulse of light, warm and throbbing like a heartbeat in a wound, that wasn't there before. She wishes she knew what he went through while he was gone. His hair is longer, wild in the breeze, his posture a little straighter, but there's the same hungry look on his face as there was the day he left her.

"You're back." Hating how quiet and breathless the words sound, she scowls. "I'm not out of breath because of you, so don't get any ideas."

He breaks into that rare smile and she can't help it, she flings her arms around his neck and breaths him in. She feels him press his face into her hair and thinks she hears a muffled, "I missed you," but it could just be in her head.

They stand like that, bodies pressed close and arms holding tight for a long time, for not long enough. Kylo's hands move to her waist and he takes a half step back. "I should see Luke." Her stomach twists, and before she thinks to stop him he's already started towards the rocky steps that lead to camp. She jogs to catch up, crossing in front and putting her hands on his chest.

"Wait!" He raises his eyebrows. "There's - there's something I need to tell you."

A wail breaks the silence from the hilltop. Kylo lifts his head in the direction of the sound, brows furrowed. She bites her lip as he looks down at her, confusion plain on his face. At least that much hadn't changed, she could still count on his face to betray his thoughts. She steels herself for what it might betray once he learns the truth.

"You have a son."

The words are out, hanging between them like lead balloons. She sees his face go blank, a schooled expression no doubt perfected during his training with Snoke, but his wild thoughts are still evident. Rey can feel the disbelief, anger, and self-disgust rolling off of him as clearly as she can feel the breeze on her skin.

Kylo Ren turns back to his ship, fists clenched, each footstep loud as thunder. Rey lets him go.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dun dun dun, the penultimate chapter! Sorry to leave it on a cliffhanger but you guys didn't think I could let their reunion be all butterflies and rainbows, did you?
> 
> Ben is around 5 months in this chapter and the next one, btw. I don't know anything about babies so my b if things aren't age-appropriate. 
> 
> My boy Kylo has been through some shit with the whole "kill Snoke" thing so while he's rethought taking over the galaxy, he's also not 100% redeemed Ben Solo 2.0, so just keep that in mind for the next chapter. I just have so many feelings about his Complicated Emotions.


	8. VIII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw in end notes

The pneumatic hinges hiss as the hatch door closes, the sound stealing his breath. Kylo pulls at his cape, nearly tearing it off - he can't breathe, his thoughts are choking him. The ship is claustrophobic but he won't have Rey see him like this.

Before he knows it, his saber is in hand and ignited, slashing through metal and wires, sparks and molten metal flying. The scarlet thrum has never felt more comforting but it's not _enough_ , he wants to, he _needs_ to hurt someone. If he is the only someone around, so be it. The hilt of the saber clangs on the floor as Kylo slams his fist into the ruined wall again again again. Red hot jagged edges bite through the glove and knuckle bones grind together but the pain is a relief.

Then the anger dissipates, leaving behind the sick feeling of helplessness. He sinks to the floor, running his uninjured hand through his hair. His breath comes in wet ragged gasps.

A whirlwind of thoughts storm through his mind, each one worse than the last. How could he do this to her, how could he not have _known_ , what was he supposed to do now? Taking lives had been his duty for the past decade, starting one was something he'd never considered. He knows little about being a good son, let alone a father. He thinks of going to the pilot's chair, watching the planet fade behind him until he can get his mind straight, but then he senses Rey's presence drawing closer and feels even sicker for considering it. He told her he'd come back for her, and he won't, _can't_  break that vow.

The hatch door hisses open and Rey enters cautiously, taking stock of the scene with a carefully neutral face.

"I hope you didn't break anything important," Her voice is light but not unkind. "I heard shouting."

Kylo looks up at her standing before him, unsure but kind and strong and so, so _light_ he feels the familiar curl of self-loathing unfold in his chest again. "I didn't mean to frighten you."

Rey gives a small snort. "I'm not afraid of you." He doesn't know if that's a good or bad thing.

He doesn't know what to say, how to make her _see._ What would he do with a son, raise the boy to one day kill him? 

"I can't - be anything to the boy." His dark lashes are wet with unshed tears as he looks up at her and his eyes beg her to understand. _I don't know if I can be anything but a monster,_ remains unsaid.

Rey gives him a small sad smile and lowers herself next to him, gingerly taking his good hand in hers. She rests her head on his shoulder, feeling his breathing even out and some of the tension leave his body. They sit in silence for a while and he bathes in her light until it feels almost as if he never left.

"Will you show me -?" Kylo's voice rumbles low in her ear, uncertain and halting.Rey turns to face him and reaches up, brushing hair from his temple. He closes his eyes.

She gives him her favorite memories of Ben: images of him only hours old and peaceful with tiny pink fists reaching blindly, his first laugh (adorable and infectious and at Finn's funny faces, although she leaves that part out), Luke meeting him for the first time, immediately devoted (Ben had pulled on his beard and grabbed a metal finger, staring at it until he went cross-eyed), the sleepy smile he gave her just that morning. She gives him all her feelings, the fear and uncertainty and exhaustion alongside the joy and fierce protectiveness and love. She hopes it's enough.

"You named him Ben," Kylo's tone is dry, but she can sense no real anger, just the weak feeling of emotional exhaustion. Rey smiles.

"What? I like the name."

 

* * *

 

The sun is sinking down toward the horizon by the time they leave the ship. His hand is in hers but he walks a pace behind her as they climb the uneven steps to camp. They stop in front of Luke's hut and she squeezes his hand. She raises a fist but the door swings open before she can knock.

"Kylo," Luke's voice is filled with pride and relief, barely even hesitating over his nephew's new name as he takes in the sight of the man standing before him. Kylo gives a curt nod, but his attention is drawn over his uncle's shoulder to where Ben is napping on the bed. Luke follows his stare, then turns back to face the two of them.

"Right. I'll give you three some privacy." He claps a hand on Kylo's shoulder as he squeezes past them, gives Rey a reassuring look. The door closes behind him.

The noise awakens Ben, who whimpers and begins to stir on the bed. Rey goes over and picks him up, cradling him close and stroking his back. She turns to Kylo; he's stock still, jaw clenched as he stands tensely by the door. She sways gently from side to side for a minute until Ben is finished fussing, then takes a step forward.

"Do you want to --"

That breaks Kylo from his inaction. Hesitantly, he holds out his arms. Rey gives him an encouraging smile and settles the baby in his arms. The sight of the two of them makes her heart feel uncomfortably full.

Ben looks around to his mother, then back to the strange man that's holding him stiffly and awkwardly. His mouth works as though he's building up a cry -- Rey wants to laugh at their twin expressions of discomfort -- then he stops, distracted. Pudgy hands graze Kylo's cowl and play with the frayed edges, then reach up to find a lock of hair and he pulls. Kylo looks almost offended. Ben gives a gummy smile and pulls again.

There's a huff of breath that could be a laugh. He looks to Rey hesitantly, but there is relief plain on his face at Ben's acceptance. Rey steps forward and strokes Ben's cheek, then fixes Kylo with a fond smile.

"He likes you already."

Kylo looks from her to the baby in his arms like he hadn't considered that possibility, like he hadn't dared hope.

 

* * *

 

Kylo is lying on the soft feather bed, curled on his side. The door creaks open, throwing a soft glow of moonlight over the infant sleeping in the makeshift crib next to the bed.

The baby -- his _son_ \-- is a unique form of punishment, the perfect penance for his crimes. The boy is a reminder of everything he was, everything he had forsaken, everything good he ever had that he thoroughly destroyed, but - he is also a second chance, a blank slate, a promise of what he _could_ be.

Perhaps having someone look at him with fresh eyes, in ignorance of his sins, will give him reason to try. There's a pull in his chest that he hasn't felt before, and it gives a twinge at this thought.

He doesn't take his eyes off of Ben as he feels Rey climb on the bed and settle next to him. Her chest is against his back and her hand traces figures on his arm. He feels her press her lips to his neck.

Thoughts begin to whisper through his mind -- _you don't deserve this, you're a monster, you'll ruin them like you ruin everything --_ but he closes his eyes and focuses on the feel of Rey's body against his, lets it ground him. Her breaths keep time until the feelings pass and the embers of light keep the darkness at bay. He thinks he hears her say, "I love you," but it could just be in his head. He hopes it's not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for self harm
> 
> The final chapter!! This was a pain in the butt to write because I suck at conclusions but I hope it's at least somewhat satisfying to the people who thought I'd let Kylo slip out of dad duty so easily. I'm kind of flattered you all think I'm so evil ;) And please let me know what you think of the ending, good bad or ugly!
> 
> A million and one thank you's to everyone who has read, left kudos, commented, and bookmarked, you guys are all the best and getting emails about kudos and comments have made my day for the past few weeks! You can find me on tumblr as arubisteneolupus, I don't post a whole lot but I'm always down to talk reylo (also my only followers are porn and spam blogs so some real people would be nice...).
> 
> Anyway, thanks again for sticking with me and I hope you've enjoyed!


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